Just Breathe
by TR-Fanfic
Summary: <html><head></head>Set during 3X22, To Love and Die In LA, what if Kate had opened the door and Castle had still been sitting there. Then what?</html>


This story is for the amazing, phenomenal, beautiful woman who is lying sick in my bed right now. I love you Baby, I'll do my best to make it better.

Set during 3X22, To Love and Die In LA, what if Kate had opened the door and Castle had still been sitting there. Then what?

Just Breathe

By TR

Rated T

Kate leaned against the door and slumped down, sitting back on her heels. 'Damn it! Why him?' She shook her head, knowing the man that she'd left sitting on the couch, knowing him better than she knew herself. Knowing that when he set his heart to something he would never be satisfied with just a portion, he wouldn't give up until he had all of her. Until he had more than she had ever been willing to give to anyone. She swallowed hard as fear boiled to the surface. Fear that the love she knew he had for her would drown her until she'd have to break away from it. Have to run. Fear that she would need nothing less than to be all consumed by him, that she wouldn't run soon enough, and her heart would end up broken like so many others. Fear that she would stand up and turn that door knob, walk back in to that room and break the most basic honor code that she possessed. That she would toss away the status of her relationship with Josh and put her hands on him, let him put his hands on her. An ache welled up from heart to head to center. She wanted him. She SO wanted him. Body and soul. 'Damn it to Hell!' When exactly had she fallen in love with him?

Taking a deep breath, she rose to her feet, squared her shoulders, and reached for the door knob. She knew the moment she stepped in to the room that she would be shedding that comfortable, convenient pretense that they were just partners. It was so easy to hide behind that façade, but the more she felt for him the tighter she held on to that mask. Now it had begun to suffocate her. Deliberately she opened the door and saw him slowly rise to greet her. His mask had fallen away as well and what she saw in his eyes was nearly her undoing. She wanted so much to rush to him, fall into his arms and let the chips fall where they may, but she was better than that. They both were.

He started toward her, but faltered when she put a hand up. Her heart beat a punishing rhythm in her ears. Relying on her training, she slowed her breathing, quelled the trembling in her hands. She was grateful he'd stayed where he was.

Making a decision she strode to the door. "Come on," she said quietly. "Let's get out of here."

Quickly he fell into step next to her. They were quiet on the elevator ride down and out through the lobby onto the street.

They fidgeted, put their hands in their pockets, behind their backs, anything to stop themselves from reaching out.

They wandered in silence. Going wherever their feet took them. Knowing that it was only a matter of time until the jumble of denials and wants and needs and resistance boiled to the surface and demanded to be heard.

When they found themselves carrying their shoes and walking in the sand at the water's edge, Kate looked up at the stars and let the breeze cool her skin.

"I don't often find myself at a loss Castle." She gave him a sidelong glance and smiled before looking down at the footprints they left in the sand. Her voice was low, thoughtful. "But I don't know what to do about you."

"What do you mean?" He said, and the wariness in his voice made her heart twist.

She dropped down to the sand, put her feet in the water. Slowly he sat next to her, folded his arms over his knees.

"I mean you stepped into my life, and suddenly I began to question everything I knew about myself. You make me think more, feel more than I've ever wanted to. You are just so much more than anyone I've ever known. They talk about people who are larger than life, but I never really knew what they meant until I knew you."

"Should I take that as a compliment?"

She smiled. "You really should. I just…" her smile faded as the bone deep sadness she'd been steeped in since she could remember, rose to the surface. "...I can't give you what you want. If I give in to this thing between us…I can't be all in with anyone. I just can't."

He turned to her, and the way his blue eyes shone in the moonlight, the wind tussled his hair; made her mouth go dry.

"Kate I'm not asking for anything. I know your life is not your own. I know that you've had this singular quest to find your mother's killer. That's what your life is about. It's okay. I'm happy to be here with you. To be sitting here next to you is enough for me."

"But will it always be enough Castle?"

The emotion in her eyes, her voice took his breath. He tried to imagine walking away from the incredible woman next to him. She was strong and damaged and determined and broken in so many beautiful and heart-wrenching ways. He knew he would never find her anything but fascinating.

He nearly took her hand, but thought better of it. "I can't imagine ever wanting anything else, and that's the truth."

"Everyone has their breaking point," she said, more to herself than to him.

He frowned. "Is that what you're afraid of that I'll break? That I'll walk away? What could possibly make me turn my back on you?"

Her eyes glistened. "Waiting. Waiting wears anyone down Castle, and I just don't know when or if I'll ever be able to be what you want me to be."

She buried her face in her hands, laced her fingers through her hair. Shaking her head, she abruptly stood. "I can't. I can't do this! I can't deal with this right now." Without another word she strode away from him down the shore line.

Castle hoisted himself up, dusted the sand from his hands, and in four long strides hooked his hand around her arm and whirled her to face him.

She gasped, and he saw the shock in her eyes as she quelled the urge to yank her arm from his grasp. Had she expected him to just let her walk away? To take what was between them and throw it away like so much chaff? Did he mean so little to her? Did he mean too much?

He moved in close erasing the hairs breadth of space between them. He could feel her breasts heaving against his chest with every rapid panicky breath she took. Their scents mingled and swirled around them as the wind picked up. He pulled her in closer, his large hand holding her firm at the small of her back. Biting back a groan he lowered his mouth to her ear.

"What do YOU want you to be?"

She worked to respond. Trying to remember how to form words when he was there invading her space, taking over her senses. "What do you mean?" she said with more breath than voice.

He pulled back and reached out, taking an unruly strand of her hair and tucking it behind her ear. "I mean, when this quest is finished. When we catch the guy who did this, and he's either in a cage or a body bag, then what? If you had the life you wanted when it's all said and done, what would it look like?"

Her brow furrowed, and she dropped her gaze studying the sliver of skin peeking out between the buttons of his shirt. She wanted to trace it with her fingertip, then with the tip of her tongue. To just once taste. Just a taste, and then another, and another.

She shook her head as if she'd never allowed herself the luxury of looking beyond the capture of the man who took her mother away. Looking back up at him, seeing the love and concern in his eyes, watching the breeze billow through his shirt delivering the scent of his skin to her, seeing him standing there holding her, she knew that she already had the life she wanted.

"This," she said softly. "My life would look just like this."

He smiled. "Me too."

They were quiet for a long time. Standing there together watching the moon glow ripple across the water.

And then the music began. A street band somewhere on the boardwalk with nothing but guitars and voices. It seemed fitting on a night such as that, where feelings raw and unchecked bubbled up and spilled at their feet. There was something between them. They'd both had the strength and the weakness to admit it. Whatever name they gave it, there was something. Something that even if denied out loud would be there no matter what they did or didn't do about it. The wind picked up, carrying with it the possibilities of all things new. Of things they shouldn't want, and love they shouldn't feel. Carrying with it the sound of voices raised in song.

Castle put a hand on the small of her back, drew her tight against him, and offered his free hand. When she hesitated he whispered, "It's only a dance Kate. That's all it has to be. Just let me be with you. Just this way, just this once."

She closed her eyes and curled her hand around his. Slowly they moved, making circles in the sand. Holding tight to each other they swayed to the music. To the matching rhythm of their hearts. He leaned down and pressed his stubbled cheek to the smooth skin of her face. The music soaked through the whirlwind of need and want, regret and longing that stormed around them. They clung to each other lest it be the last time.

When he turned his head and began to sing softly in her ear, her knees nearly buckled.

"Did I say that I need you, did I say that I want you? If I didn't I'm a fool you see. No one knows this more than me."

Breathlessly she pulled back just enough to look him in the eye. His eyes were nearly midnight blue, full of nothing but her. His lips were so close, she could feel his breath sliding over her face. Coming in short erratic bursts. It would be so easy to just lean in. To just move the millimeter it would take to touch her lips to his and give them both what they so desperately needed. So easy.

Swaying on her feet, she stepped back. Panting and shaky she shook her head. "I…I can't…"

This time when she turned and strode down the beach, he didn't follow. He stood and watched as her feet moved more and more rapidly over the sand until she was nearly at a run. He pursed his lips and leaned down to pick up the shoes she'd left. Feeling weak and tired and oh so heavy, he made his way back to the hotel.

Castle was waiting on the couch when she stepped back into their suite two hours later. She sighed when she saw him, and looked both wary and grateful at the glass of wine he offered. She dropped into the chair and took a long slow drink. Her eyes felt gritty, and the soul deep exhaustion was rapidly taking over. She saw him studying her from the corner of her eye, expected him to probe and question. Instead he remained silent. Waited silently next to her, just being. Just breathing.

"I'm sorry I ran," she said at length.

"It's okay," he said softly.

"No it's not, but it's what I had to do. I have things in the way. Someone, in the way." She gestured between the two of them, unable to find the words.

He nodded. "And would this someone's name be Josh?"

"No. Well, he was the reason I couldn't…continue dancing with you." She held his eyes, and knew he'd understand. Then she took a long slow breath to steady her voice. "No Castle, her name is Johanna." Despite her efforts, tears gathered and fell. "When she was killed, when she was taken away from me, I built up this wall inside. I guess I just didn't want to hurt like that ever again. And I'm not going to be able to be the kind of person that I want to be. Or…" She reached out, touched his arm. "Have the relationship that I want to have, until that wall comes down."

"And what will that take Kate?" He took her hand, studied her.

She gave his hand a squeeze then slid from his grip; tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "That wall won't come down until I put this thing to rest. That's what it will take. One way or another, it has to be done before I can move past it and start building a future."

"That's why you said you don't know if you can be what I want you to be?"

She nodded.

"No Josh?"

"No Josh. Not since about an hour ago. It wasn't only…us. I really like him. It's not enough."

He felt the warmth of relief spreading throughout his body.

"Then I guess there's only one thing we need to do." He turned to her with so much in his eyes. Love and Hope, strength and resolve. "Find these guys and take them down!"

Something inside her unknotted. Together, they'd do it together. And then they'd see.

She gave him a grateful smile, and moved in close, putting her arms around him. "Thank you," She whispered, holding on tight.

She felt his arms come around her, one hand stroke the length of her back, while the other buried in the silk of her hair. Sensing his movement as he shifted anchoring his back against the arm of the couch, she settled against him, burrowed deep into the protection of his body, the warmth of his chest. As she relaxed into him, she felt him lay a kiss on the crown of her head. "Always," he whispered into her hair. And she wondered just how long she'd be able to live without the warmth of his body. Without having the strength and tenderness and hotness of him close to her every night. Her final thought before she wrapped around him and drifted to sleep was that maybe, just maybe she wouldn't have to wait so long for that wall to come down. Maybe, it had already began to crumble.

End of Scene. Good? Bad? Acute hemorrhagic conjunctivitis? Let me know.


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